


Parker and Recreation

by ForASecondThereWedWon



Series: Spidey-shots, Spidey-shots, now they're done, thanks a lot <3 [32]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Avengers Tower, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I love this fic with a Craig Middlebrooks level of intensity, MJ lives in the Tower too because it's Spideychelle Week and I said so, Prompt Fic, Roommates, Screenplay/Script Format, Tumblr Prompt, every one of the characters corresponds to a Parks & Rec character, parks and recreation AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:47:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24900286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForASecondThereWedWon/pseuds/ForASecondThereWedWon
Summary: They may be Earth's mightiest heroes, but they're also a bunch of dorks living and working together in a tower, doing their best to achieve small, day-to-day goals that'll never make the news.AParks and RecreationAU.
Relationships: Michelle Jones/Peter Parker
Series: Spidey-shots, Spidey-shots, now they're done, thanks a lot <3 [32]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1368034
Comments: 30
Kudos: 52
Collections: Spideychelle Week 2020





	Parker and Recreation

**Author's Note:**

> Created for Day 5 of Spideychelle Week 2020!
> 
> Today's prompt: Roommates
> 
> Like it says in the tags, everybody here is an exact replacement for a _P &R_ character. Guesses on who's who are appreciated, clarification will be provided if anyone stumps you! I'll start you off by saying that MJ is April and Peter is Andy.

**FADE IN:**

**ESTABLISHING SHOT: EXT. AVENGERS TOWER – DAY**

**CUT TO:**

  1. **INT. AVENGERS TOWER – DAY**



MICHELLE JONES stands next to the doorway of PETER PARKER’s bedroom. He is visible as a sleeping lump on the bed beneath a blanket. She holds a can of Silly String and stares at it in contemplation.

MICHELLE (to camera)  
Maybe I shouldn’t. It would be pretty evil.

**MOMENTS LATER**

Michelle is liberally spraying Peter’s bedroom with Silly String. She balances on his desk chair, his nightstand, and, with an anxious expression, on his bed, feet on either side of Peter’s sleeping form in order to apply the Silly String higher up. Once finished, she smoothly navigates the crisscrossing strings and exits the room.

MICHELLE (to camera)  
I love Peter so much. This is going to be hilarious.

Michelle lifts a cellphone to her ear and waits a moment. There is movement from the bed and Peter’s arm flings out to grab his phone.

MICHELLE (to phone)  
Oh my god, Peter, come quick! Tony just got an  
alert that some kind of rival Spider-Man may  
have breached the building!

She hangs up and turns to watch as Peter springs up from bed, immediately becoming tangled in Silly String. Instinctively, his arms flail while, with a bewildered look on his face, he glances quickly around the room. His bewilderment becomes horror.

PETER  
MJ! He got in my room! The other Spider-Man  
got in my room! He―

Peter’s screams are interrupted as he falls violently out of bed; the bedding was twisted around his legs. Face-down on the floor, he reaches blindly upward, attempting to pull himself up with the strings he falsely believes to be strong webbing. They droop and tear and he hits the ground again. Michelle continues to peer around the edge of his doorway as he examines the broken strings in his hand.

PETER (CONT’D)  
What the…? This isn’t…

Peter’s head snaps up and he spots Michelle watching him. He leaps up and she bolts away, running down the hall. With a jolt, the camera follows Michelle and Peter’s back briefly blocks the shot as he chases her. At the end of the hallway, CLINT BARTON holds open the door of the elevator, frantically waving Michelle inside. The instant she clears the door, he lets it close before Peter can reach them.

PETER (to camera)  
Well, at least we don’t have a breach.

The camera pans down to show Peter’s pajama bottoms, patterned with a cartoon version of his own Spider-Man mask. The crotch of his pajamas is blurred; he tore them in the pursuit.

PETER (CONT’D)  
Oh, for fu―

**[OPENING CREDITS]**

****

**FADE IN:**

  1. **INT. AVENGERS TOWER – DAY**



The kitchen, later the same morning. Michelle and Peter stand on either side of the island, Michelle tearing pieces off a pancake and throwing them for Peter to catch in his mouth. One hits him in the eye. He is now wearing jeans. TONY STARK enters the kitchen.

TONY  
Good morning! And…

Tony spins in a circle with his arms out.

TONY (CONT’D)  
…you’re welcome.

Michelle and Peter exchange glances; hers shows confusion and disgust while his is full of awe for Tony, his mentor.

MICHELLE (to Peter)  
(whispered)  
What the hell?

PETER (to Michelle)  
(whispered)  
Oh yeah, sometimes I forget you haven’t been  
here that long. He does that a lot.

PETER  
Cool entrance, Mr. Stark.

TONY  
Maybe I’ll teach it to you someday. For now, I  
am a busy, busy man.

Michelle rolls her eyes.

TONY  
Michelle! How ‘bout some coffee?

MICHELLE  
Get it yourself.

TONY  
May I remind you that I let you live here for free?  
This is Avengers Tower! It’s exclusive! I could  
charge someone, like, a billion dollars to rent  
the apartment I gave you. I could be Jeff Bezos’s  
landlord! He’d be like, Tony, why are you  
charging me so much rent? And I’d be like,  
Uh, am I? That’s so sad. Alexa, play  
“Mo Money Mo Problems.”

MICHELLE  
Whatever.

Michelle goes to sit at the breakfast table, grabbing Peter’s hand on the way to bring him with her, while Tony reluctantly gets his own coffee. Michelle and Peter settle at the table, her legs draped across his lap, and fill plates with food arranged along it. Michelle pretends a breakfast sausage is Tony saying, “Mo Money Mo Problems,” and stabs it vigorously with a fork while Peter watches her face, smiling. Suddenly, Clint drops from the ceiling, landing in a superhero crouch.

TONY  
Hey! Clint Eastwood!

CLINT  
I smell bacon. Move, Stark.

Tony jumps aside as Clint hurries to the stove.

TONY  
Hey, man, watch the t-shirt. This is a vintage  
Sabbath tee from their performance at―

Clint raises a hand and clenches it into a fist, signalling a desire for silence. Seeing the empty, grease-filled pan, he turns, nose twitching.

CLINT (to himself)  
You elusive minx.

As Clint continues to sniff his way around the kitchen, JAMES RHODES (RHODEY) enters. He frowns.

RHODEY  
What’s wrong with him?

Rhodey points to Clint, now standing on the counter to observe the kitchen from a higher vantage point.

TONY  
Who knows? Anyway, did you get the invite I  
forwarded to you?

RHODEY  
For the event at the Stark Hole Lounge next  
month? Hell _yes_. VIP treatment, baby.

Michelle narrows her eyes.

MICHELLE  
Don’t you guys own that place?

TONY  
What’s your point?

Rhodey stares at Clint as he begins rifling through cupboards.

RHODEY  
Ok, but seriously, can somebody tell me what’s  
going on with Barton?

STEVE ROGERS enters the kitchen and looks up at Clint in alarm.

STEVE  
Oh, not again.

**CUT TO:**

**INT. KITCHEN – STEVE TALKING HEAD**

Steve faces the camera. In the background, Clint continues to climb all over the kitchen.

STEVE (to camera)  
Since I came back from the war, and the ice,  
I’ve noticed that every year around this time,  
the city of New York goes through what I like to  
call “Avengers Season.” The name was my idea.  
What is Avengers Season? Well, it’s when the  
weather starts getting warmer and people start  
acting more―

CLINT (from the background)  
TURDISH.

Steve laughs awkwardly, still facing the camera.

STEVE (to camera)  
Well, he’s not wrong. More people are out and  
about and tempers rise with temperatures.  
There’s more road rage and therefore more  
car accidents. There are more French fry  
vendors and therefore more seagulls shitting  
on people’s heads.

MICHELLE (from the background)  
LANGUAGE!

STEVE (to camera)  
Anyway, there’s a lot more crime and who do  
people turn to? Us. Clint, over there…

Steve turns to watch Clint throw things out of the fridge in his search for bacon.

STEVE (CONT’D)  
…he’s as capable as any of us. More capable  
even. As an archer, he has a very sharp eye for  
spotting the instant a friendly conversation  
between two kids at a community pool shifts  
towards the potential for a ruthless attempted  
drowning, but he also has a few… _unusual_ rituals.  
One of them is consuming as much meat as  
possible at every meal.  
(pause)  
I think we let him live out at that isolated farm  
for too long.

**CUT TO:**

The Avengers and Michelle are assembled around the breakfast table. Clint has a heaping plate of bacon in front of him.

CLINT (to Michelle)  
I can’t believe you hid it under my chair and let  
me turn this kitchen upside down.

MICHELLE  
Yeah, but it’s all the bacon there was, plus, you  
can’t honestly say you didn’t enjoy, like, the thrill  
of the hunt or whatever, so I was really doing  
you a favour.

Clint smiles at her, bacon grasped in both hands.

CLINT  
That’s my girl.

Clint eats with ferocity.

TONY  
Cool with everybody if we consider this a  
brunch? It’s getting kind of la―

STEVE  
Ok! We’ve got a lot to do today and we need to  
get started.

Steve looks around the table, expression changing from eager to worried.

STEVE (CONT’D)  
Has anybody seen Bucky this morning? I need  
Bucky to be here for this.  
(shouted)  
BUCKY?

RHODEY  
Jeeze, try a hearing aid, grandpa.

Tony and Rhodey high five under the table. Peter grins.

PETER (to camera)  
I saw that.

RHODEY (to Peter)  
Keep it zipped, Spidey. I don’t want Steve on my  
ass about the old man jokes until he’s had his  
scrambled eggs and arthritis pills.

Rhodey and Peter high five across the table.

RHODEY (to Peter)  
Seriously. We should wait until Steve’s at least  
three coffees deep.

The camera pans to Steve who concentrates on spraying continuous circles of whipped cream into his coffee cup.

STEVE (to himself)  
Best thing that was invented while I was frozen.  
(to the room)  
BUCKY?

BUCKY  
Right here, punk.

BUCKY BARNES has been seated next to Steve the entire time.

STEVE  
Ok, good. Now… wait. Where are Drax  
and Mantis?

TONY  
Haven’t seen ‘em, don’t care, only pay attention  
to them long enough to give them new nicknames.

RHODEY  
What are the new ones?

TONY  
Atom Ant and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

RHODEY  
Nice.

MICHELLE  
Which Ninja Turtle though?

PETER  
Babe, silly question. The hot one, obviously.

MICHELLE  
Eww, which one’s the hot one?

Peter, Rhodey, and Tony reply at the same time.

PETER  
Michelangelo.

RHODEY  
Leonardo.

TONY  
Raphael.

They stare at each other in disappointment.

BUCKY  
It’s Donatello. Can we let Steve talk now?

STEVE  
Thanks, Buck. As you’re all aware, we’re entering  
Avengers Season.

MICHELLE  
(mumbled)  
Dumb term.

STEVE  
What was that, Michelle?

MICHELLE  
I said I can’t wait to learn. Please, continue.

Grinning, Peter looks at the camera.

PETER (to camera)  
That’s not what she said.

STEVE  
Guys, please focus. It’s been brought to my  
attention that members of our team have been  
issuing fraudulent alerts, leading to kneejerk  
responses that are rash and, frankly,  
unprofessional.

MICHELLE  
Peter! You snitched on me?

STEVE  
Please, no names. I’m not trying to call anyone  
out. Bucky, back me up.

Bucky edges forward on his chair, noticeably agitated and surprised to be put on the spot.

**CUT TO:**

**INT. KITCHEN – BUCKY TALKING HEAD**

Bucky faces the camera while the rest eat breakfast in the background.

BUCKY (to camera)  
So... it’s still not totally clear to me if I’m an  
Avenger. Mostly, I think I’m just the guy who’s  
always around to be Steve’s sounding board.  
What does that entail? Well, a lot of nodding.  
Sometimes I go get him something to eat so he  
doesn’t fuel his metabolism entirely on coffee.  
He likes diner food. With a job like Steve’s,  
there’s a lot of stress and, believe it or not,  
nothing comforts Captain America like a waffle  
struggling to maintain structural integrity under  
a [censored] mountain of whipped creaming.

Bucky grins.

**CUT TO:**

Steve stuffs a huge piece of waffle into his mouth as he stares expectantly at Bucky, who clears his throat.

BUCKY  
Right. Uh, what Steve was thinking was that we  
need to be more organized when we respond to  
threats, and eliminating panic over internal  
threats will help us more quickly distinguish real  
threats from pranks. Also, I don’t think anybody’s  
trying to _snitch_ on―

MICHELLE  
Nobody asked you.

BUCKY  
Steve literally just asked me to back him up.

MICHELLE  
You think you understand Peter _so well_ just  
because you have some dumb thing about a  
train in common.

**CUT TO:**

**INT. KITCHEN – PETER TALKING HEAD**

PETER (to camera)  
Fun fact about me, I got hit by a train. Bucky fell  
off a train a while ago and our tragic train stories  
are something that’s really helped us bond.  
Makes MJ pretty jealous though. I think they  
could be friends, but I’m not sure how to make  
that happen. Right now, my top two ideas are  
building a time machine to go back and stop  
Bucky from falling off the train and still  
somehow cryogenically freeze him so we have  
him in the present, which would possibly change  
the course of World War Two and the spread of  
HYDRA, or maybe a games night?

**CUT TO:**

STEVE  
What we need to do is communicate.

TONY  
Lame.

STEVE  
I want everyone to think of an idea―put your  
hand down, Peter, I haven’t told you what it’s  
about yet―for making our team communicate  
more effectively so that we can avoid false  
alarms in the future. It can be a new messaging  
system, more specific alerts, rotating rendezvous  
points within the Tower. Anything you can think  
of. Tony will be more than happy to design any  
prototypes you may need when you pitch me  
your ideas.

TONY  
Are you serious?

STEVE  
Any questions?

The camera focuses on DRAX, who entered the kitchen silently during the discussion. He lifts a plate from the counter. On it are the torn remains of the pancake Michelle threw pieces of to Peter.

DRAX  
What happened to my pancake?  
(pause)  
And where is all my bacon?

Clint and Michelle exchange a wary glance while Peter looks at the camera and winces.

**CUT TO:**

  1. **INT. AVENGERS TOWER – MANTIS TALKING HEAD**



Steve, Tony, Bucky, Rhodey, and BRUCE BANNER are visible through the glass wall of a conference room. They sit around the long table, having a discussion. MANTIS stands outside the room, smiling at the camera.

MANTIS (to camera)  
I have a great feeling about this project, and so  
do they! Literally! Everyone feels so happy  
today! I have only lived here a little while and I  
don’t know that much about the Avengers―who  
most of them are, what they do all day, which  
room is Kevin Bacon’s―but I think this is the  
best thing they’ve ever done. Once they decide  
what they’re doing. That doesn’t matter as  
much as having fun though, except that Steve  
told me it matters much more than having fun.  
Yeah, I love it here!

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CONFERENCE ROOM**

Steve looks frazzled as he examines proposals for the new project. At the opposite end of the spectrum, Tony appears unconcerned, leaning back in his chair. Bucky and Rhodey are somewhere in between these two reactions. Bruce picks up each proposal as Steve sets them aside. Mantis sits at the ready, delighted by her wheelie conference chair.

STEVE  
The proposals we’ve got aren’t bad, but there  
aren’t enough of them. That’s the main problem.

BRUCE  
And a lot of them sound pretty dangerous.

Bruce holds up a piece of paper.

BRUCE (CONT’D)  
This one suggests pneumatic tubes…

TONY  
Doable. A little retro, but on the plus side, that  
fun whooshing noise.

RHODEY  
Why would we run tubes all over the place?  
It’s the twenty-first century. We have phones.  
We have a system running this entire building  
that we can access any time just using our voices.

TONY  
Are you calling tubes excessive?

RHODEY  
Yes, and not in a good way. This isn’t a suit, Tony.  
Who are you going to show off your pneumatic  
tubes to?

TONY (to Steve)  
Alright, Cap, you heard him. Tubes are tied.

STEVE  
(sighing)  
Tony.

TONY  
You got a better idea? Which one of these  
is yours?

STEVE  
It’s not about trying to push my own idea. I’d say  
let’s go with any of these if I thought they had  
merit. Hell, I’d say let’s go with all of them.

MANTIS  
That is a great idea! That would make  
everyone happy!

BRUCE  
Except, no, Mantis, it wouldn’t. Like I was  
saying, some of these are dangerous.

MANTIS  
(sadly)  
Oh.

TONY  
Pneumatic tubes aren’t dangerous. Just don’t  
stick any of your appendages inside them.  
America’s virgin sweetheart over there knows  
what I’m talking about.

Steve sighs again.

BRUCE  
You never let me finish. The tubes would be  
dangerous, because the submission, while based  
on a classic pneumatic message-delivery system,  
suggests a scaled-up model that we would get  
into and be…

Bruce gestures violently with his hands.

BRUCE (CONT’D)  
…sucked to our destination. Tony, shut up.  
Everybody knows what you want to say. The  
point is, we can’t give into ideas like this  
because we’re desperate for a solution, _Steve_ ,  
or because we just want to see what would  
happen, _Tony_.

STEVE  
Well, Bruce, you’re the scientist, so, if you’re sure.

MANTIS  
Oh! This is too bad! Bruce? Isn’t there a way to―

BRUCE  
No.

MANTIS  
That’s terrible.

Everyone looks dejected. Suddenly, Peter runs into the conference room. Michelle follows.

PETER  
Did you already pick the idea? You haven’t seen  
my idea yet!

Rhodey looks wary, but refrains from commenting.

PETER  
Here.

He hands a piece of paper to Steve, but Tony snatches it out of his hand.

TONY  
Whoa!

Steve takes the paper back.

STEVE  
It’s―

PETER  
A ginormous elevator! I was thinking how you  
said about new messaging systems and I didn’t  
really have any ideas for that, so then I was  
thinking about rendezvous points, and I thought  
an elevator might be great because it could go  
to every floor to get everybody, it keeps us in  
one spot, and MJ was reading _Charlie and the  
Great Glass Elevator_ out loud last night. I think  
Road Doll was really onto something.

RHODEY (to himself)  
Yeah, or _on_ something.

MICHELLE  
Babe, it’s _Roald Dahl_.

Despite her correction, Michelle puts an arm around Peter’s waist and leans into him. She gives him a proud smile before turning a harsher expression on the group.

MICHELLE (CONT’D)  
Tell my boyfriend how good he did or I’ll sell all  
the chairs in this conference room and tell  
people the Avengers had their naked butts  
on them.

Mantis wears an expression of disgust and shifts from sitting in her chair to perching on it with her feet. Steve ignores the second part of Michelle’s comment.

STEVE  
Peter, this is great! It’s… strange. But that just  
makes it even more great! I like the simplicity of  
the idea. Like you said, it’s accessible and we  
already know how to use it. We shouldn’t take  
those benefits for granted.

PETER  
Cool!

MANTIS  
Cool!

PETER (to Mantis)  
You think so?

MANTIS  
It is literally the best idea I have ever heard!

BUCKY (to Peter)  
Yeah… don’t be too impressed by that. Most of  
the ideas she’s ever heard have probably come  
from the mouth of Drax.

PETER  
Mouth of Drax. Great band name! Dibs!

MICHELLE  
You aren’t in a band.

Peter appears to consider this for a moment.

PETER (to everyone)  
Can the next group project be us starting a band?

RHODEY  
(kindly)  
Buddy, these aren’t “group projects” like in  
high school. You work here.

STEVE  
Great! Good meeting, everybody. We’re going  
ahead with Peter’s ginormous elevator and we’ll  
just put a pin in that band name.  
(pause)  
Has anybody actually seen Drax today?

MANTIS  
He could be in this room. He often stands so still  
that he becomes invisible.

BRUCE  
I saw him earlier. He said he was going to cook  
a bunch of bacon. Does that sound weird to  
anybody else? I can’t tell anymore. Apparently,  
something happened to his breakfast yesterday?

STEVE  
That was his own fault for leaving it unattended.  
Well, any input before we conclude, Clint?

CLINT (audible through ceiling)  
Sorry, this doesn’t interest me in the slightest  
and I suddenly have somewhere very important  
to be.

There are quick scurrying sounds from above to indicate that Clint is moving through the vents in the direction of the Tower’s kitchen.

STEVE  
Alright. Nice work, everyone. Thank you for your  
contributions. Tony, go ahead and get started  
on building our new elevator!

**CUT TO:**

**INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – TONY TALKING HEAD**

TONY (to camera)  
So now I’m supposed to just build these people  
a massive elevator strong enough to carry the  
weight of the full team and their gear, fast  
enough to “assemble” us against a threat more  
quickly than any of our existing methods, and  
extensive enough to access every floor. All this  
because Peter doesn’t like to be pranked? This is  
a massive engineering project. I’ll be reassessing  
the structure of the Tower at every turn. There’s  
no way not to. And where are we going to put  
this thing? [censored] Does anybody but me  
have any concept of how much this’ll cost? Do  
they think I’m made of money?

The camera holds on the face of Tony Stark, known billionaire, as he continues to look beleaguered.

TONY (to camera)  
Dropping ten grand on a new suit isn’t the same.  
At the Stark Hole Lounge, you dress to impress.

**CUT TO:**

**ESTABLISHING SHOT: EXT. AVENGERS TOWER – DAY**

Construction vehicles line the curb in front of the Tower.

**CUT TO:**

  1. **INT. AVENGERS TOWER – DAY**



Michelle and Peter clean the remains of the Silly String from Peter’s bedroom, left by Michelle’s prank earlier that week. In spite of the tedium of the task, Michelle smiles to herself.

MICHELLE  
I can’t believe you left this shit all over your room.

PETER  
I thought it added something. Like, with all the  
strings that looked like webs, it seemed like this  
might actually be Spider-Man’s room.

MICHELLE  
But it _is_ your room. You don’t have to make it a  
whole theme. All your stuff doesn’t need to be,  
like, branded.

PETER  
(thoughtfully)  
I guess that’s true.

He turns and the camera pans to follow his line of sight. Dum-E is visible, ineffectually cleaning Silly String off the floor.

PETER  
Hey, DJ Dum-E, don’t forget to do the corners,  
and can you change to a different song?

Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man” no longer plays.

MICHELLE  
See how annoying personal branding gets?

PETER  
Yep.

Peter looks into the camera and shakes his head in confusion. He returns to brushing debris off the walls as Michelle sighs, shoulders drooping.

MICHELLE  
Are you actually mad at me for doing this?

PETER  
For Silly-Stringing my room? Of course not.

MICHELLE  
Then why did you snitch on me to Steve?

PETER  
Oh, I was just scared that if something really did  
happen and I couldn’t tell the difference  
between a prank and an attack that it might put  
you in danger. I’m super into the idea of a Silly  
String prank war, but I’m more into protecting you.

Michelle stares at Peter, smiling gently. He doesn’t notice as he continues to clean up.

MICHELLE  
That’s lame. You know I could kick fake  
Spider-Man’s ass.  
(pause)  
Besides, my room’s right next door. You don’t  
have to worry about trying to get to me, and if  
you are worried, I can time you while you  
practice sprinting from your room to mine until  
you puke.

PETER  
Aww. Second, less-good idea―we make a hole  
in the wall between our rooms.

MICHELLE  
Not just… a door?

PETER  
(dejectedly)  
Oh yeah.

MICHELLE  
But I don’t want a door, I want you to make a  
hole in the wall. How are you going to make it?

Sound fades out as Peter starts explaining. Michelle glances at the camera and smiles.

**CUT TO:**

  1. **INT. AVENGERS TOWER – TONY TALKING HEAD**



Tony faces the camera while construction work on the new elevator happens in the background.

TONY (to camera)  
Don’t tell Steve this, but I’m actually really glad  
he made me point man on this project. I forgot  
how much I love bossing people around. I mean,  
I also love working alone, but the feeling of  
giving random people instructions just has that  
certain _je ne sais quoi_.

**CUT TO:**

A hallway, just down from the construction site. Tony and Rhodey survey the scene.

RHODEY  
Quit calling it “ _je ne sais quoi_.” It’s ego, man.

TONY  
(outraged)  
Ego? Me?

RHODEY  
That’s not a criticism. You think I haven’t been  
throwing my weight around with this  
construction crew? The foreman saw me earlier  
and asked if I was War Machine. I crossed my arms,  
real intimidating, and said, “Yeah, that’s right.”  
Where do you think that man is now? He went  
out to get me a specialty coffee from a place all  
the way across town.

TONY  
First of all, baller move. Second of all, this is  
going to take forever without the foreman!  
Steve annoys the hell out of me, but, annoyingly,  
I also don’t want to let him down.

RHODEY  
(unapologetic)  
I’m sorry, Tony. My charisma is a very  
powerful thing.

Steve comes striding down the hallway. Clint follows with a look of resignation.

STEVE  
Hey, how are things going? Are they going well?  
Tell me they’re going well. Please, Tony, this has  
taken so long already, I need to hear that things  
are going well. When will we have that elevator  
functioning? I’m scheduling a drill for five o’clock  
tomorrow morning. We’re on schedule, aren’t  
we? I need to see some results on this so the fact  
that I gave the go-ahead for the construction of  
a really big elevator doesn’t seem like a strange  
misstep. Why is this taking so long? But it’s all  
fine. I’m sure it’s going really well.

TONY  
You think this is taking a long time? Did you  
expect it to be _quick_ when we essentially bored  
a hole up the length of this building?

Steve’s expression tells Tony that he can’t handle the wisdom of this project being questioned right now.

TONY (CONT’D)  
Yeah, Cap, everything’s great.

The camera slides sideways to focus on Drax, who is walking towards the open elevator shaft.

DRAX  
Is it nearly complete?

Drax trips over a series of construction materials and equipment, all of which are propelled forward, disappearing down the shaft. He glances over at Steve, Tony, Rhodey, and Clint.

DRAX (CONT’D)  
They should not have left such a mess.

TONY  
Drax! Come on, man!

CLINT (to Steve)  
You’ve seen enough. Why don’t you go sit  
someplace quiet and put your head between  
your knees?

STEVE  
Is that what you do when you’re stressed?

CLINT  
No, I go down to the target range in the  
basement and put as many arrows through the  
targets’ throats as it takes for me to feel calm  
again. I know you used to have a thing with  
punching all of the heavy bags until they split,  
but I can’t suggest that right now.

STEVE  
Because I should find a more productive outlet  
for my frustration. Got it.

CLINT  
No, because I had a feeling at least one of the  
idiots in this place would knock something down  
that open elevator shaft and I spent the morning  
lining the bottom of it with the heavy bags. Peter  
was going to throw up some webs between the  
floors too, so nothing would fall too far.

STEVE  
Great thinking! Thanks, Clint.

DRAX  
Whoa, whoa!

Drax tumbles backwards into the elevator shaft. Long seconds later, the rest of the team hear a distant thud.

CLINT  
Looks like Peter forgot about the webs.

STEVE  
Oh my god!

TONY  
He’ll be fine. We’re only on the… which floor  
is this?

RHODEY  
Seventeenth.

Clint, Steve, Tony, and Rhodey exchange looks of alarm, then rush to the opening of the elevator shaft.

**CUT TO:**

  1. **INT. AVENGERS TOWER – DAY**



The Avengers stand at the door of the new, ginormous elevator, fully equipped in uniform, aside from Bruce, who has not turned into the Hulk for the occasion.

STEVE  
Who wants to get in first? Ok, I will!

Steve rushes inside before anyone else has a chance to volunteer. Bucky follows, then the rest of the team trickle in. Peter carries Michelle in a piggyback. Only Drax remains in the hallway, supported on crutches.

BRUCE  
Um, Michelle isn’t technically part of the team.

PETER  
Oh, she’s not here as part of the team, she’s just  
standing in for Drax.

BRUCE  
MJ, you’re nowhere near heavy enough to  
substitute for Drax.

DRAX  
(laughing)  
Of course she is not! She weighs no more than  
one of my terrifyingly large and deadly hands.

Everyone gives Drax a weird look, but he doesn’t notice.

PETER  
Fine, then she’s standing in for the Hulk.

Bruce stares at them for a minute.

MANTIS  
It is ok, Bruce. I think they just want to  
be together.

She smiles at Peter and Michelle.

PETER  
Yeah, MJ’s moving into my room soon, so we’re  
getting used to spending more time together.

STEVE  
What? No, she’s not. You two are not  
living together.

MICHELLE  
We’re technically already living together.

BUCKY  
There’s a big difference between being sharing  
a hallway and sharing a bedroom.

TONY  
Hell yeah, there is! Up top, Terminator!

Bucky frowns and denies Tony his high five.

MICHELLE  
Well, if you guys don’t like it―

STEVE  
Great, thanks for offering to keep things the  
same. I think that would be for the best.

MICHELLE  
I was going to say that it’s too late. We already  
have a huge hole in the wall connecting our rooms.

BUCKY  
What? What happened?

MICHELLE  
None of your business.

STEVE  
Peter, what happened to your wall? Why didn’t  
you report it? We’ve been putting so much focus  
on handling internal incidents lately!

PETER  
I didn’t think I needed to. You and Bucky said all  
that stuff about distinguishing real threats  
from pranks.

STEVE  
Meaning...?

MICHELLE  
Meaning he knows it wasn’t a real threat  
because he made the hole himself.

RHODEY (to Tony)  
Guess you’re going to have to do another  
structural assessment.

BUCKY  
Uh, can I just ask, why isn’t this door closing?

The camera pulls back to reveal the elevator wide open while Drax still watches those inside.

DRAX  
The problem is the buttons. They do not  
work well.

BRUCE  
What do you mean?

DRAX  
When I tried them earlier, they required many  
presses to function.

BRUCE  
Exactly how hard were you pressing?

DRAX  
(seriously)  
As hard as I could. You should try the  
button again.

MANTIS  
Ok, Drax!

STEVE  
No, wait―

Mantis pushes the Door Close button repeatedly and the elevator door finally shuts. However, the car doesn’t go anywhere.

DRAX  
(from the hallway)  
I think it may be broken.

The elevator plummets.

**CUT TO:**

**INT. AVENGERS TOWER – CLINT TALKING HEAD**

Clint, hair disheveled, faces the camera, the wreckage of the ill-fated elevator project visible behind him through a settling cloud of dust.

CLINT (to camera)  
Am I upset? No. We wasted an entire week on  
that [censored] elevator. If Tony didn’t have so  
many resources at his disposal, it would’ve taken  
much longer to construct, and that’s the only  
thing I regret.

Clint starts laughing.

CLINT (CONT’D)  
Oh man, when that thing plummeted! I’ve never  
felt so alive.

**CUT TO:**

  1. **INT. AVENGERS TOWER – DAY**



Peter and Michelle wave forlornly to each other while Tony, standing in Peter’s room, finishes filling the ragged hole between their apartments.

TONY  
It’s not the end of the world, Romeo.

Peter nods sadly and Tony claps him on the shoulder before leaving. Peter slumps to the floor, leaning back against the newly-repaired wall. Seconds later, Michelle walks in.

MICHELLE  
Hey, loser. Thought you might be missing me.

PETER  
Aww! I was!

Peter brightens and reaches out for her. Michelle pulls a can of Silly String from behind her back and aggressively empties as much of it as she can onto Peter’s face before he can get to his feet. She dodges the camera and flees from the room, shrieking.

PETER  
Oh, it is _on_!

**FADE OUT.**


End file.
